"Do you know what’s going on?"
"No, only a lot of shouting."
"Do you have any opinion on what’s been happening?"
"I have no opinion because I don’t know what’s been going on."
I could write several drafts of this text post, but all I really want to communicate is that I’m tired. Not sleepy. Just tired.
Taking each day with a less and less genuine smile is tiring, being dragged into things I have no interest in is tiring, and sending messages to people and NEVER hearing back is tiring.
…And on cue, Skype has notified me that someone I once had an incredibly close relationship with is now online. Barring them happening upon this tumblr post, I bet they won’t respond to even a simple ‘hello’.
We shall see, I’m not going to assume, I’m going to try. If I’m proven right, then I guess I can suffocate in that hollow victory. If I’m proven wrong, then I’m going to feel so sorry spilling my thoughts out at them.
I’m tired of making nothing but text posts, but I need somewhere to speak.
I don’t feel well. Something’s bothering me and I don’t want to explore it because I know what it is. I want it to just go away. I want to fix it but there just seems to always be an obstacle being fabricated in my mind. An obstacle that isn’t even there but it blocks me just as well.
There is just no excuse I can give to people, these barriers do not exist to them. There is no evidence of anything keeping me from functioning. It is all inside my head, but why do I find it so damn daunting to clear it?
It’s not worth this stress. It’s not even worth discussing. Everyone has it worse than me, I should be able to deal with it alone.
Is your family tumblr?
If they were tumblr I wouldn’t consider this website a safe haven.
We’re just a bunch of different people who share a common bond. Think Apple clan but with more parents and passionate arguments. I’m the Big Mac that sits back and lets things run their course, and only steps in when necessary.Really, I just prefer to avoid confrontation because the stress is not worth it.
It sounds like my brother has decided to wear a skirt today and reveal this to the family.
Yep, its going about as well as a lead balloon in flight.
Don’t get me wrong. I’d rather he does what he believes is right for him, but he has approached this with little tact. My parents hate surprises.
Then there is where we live. There’s no telling how other people shall react to just this. The schools, in my experience of them, don’t really approve of people deviating from the norm and have stretched unrelated rules in the rulebooks just to get someone in trouble.
He can’t do this with the subtlety of a freight train is what I’m saying. He needs support before he takes it outside, but he sees almost every suggestion to that effect as non-acceptance. He’s confrontational and passionate about his beliefs. But he doesn’t like listening to anything that goes against them.
I work with my dad. And the last dispute within the family went on for a month and I had to put up with his circular rants every waking hour.
This is going to be a long week. I just know I’m going to be picked out as a mediator by the end of it. Trying to reason with half of this family is a challenge. Everyone holds their views in strong regard, where do you think my brother got it from?
This evening: going over a rough draft for Survivor Shy’s next chapter. I’ve not got enough time tonight to work on art, but some light typing and editing is doable.
It feels like familiar territory, which is comforting given all the time I’ve spent away from it.
I’ll be tackling art tomorrow. I hope to get started with the next illustration in a few days or so. Best I get this one done soon.
Put $50 into ALS Association. The Ice Bucket Challenge is definitely doing its job since I didn’t even know about ALS until recently. Power of raising awareness, you see.
I don’t really want to do the challenge itself on my own (lack of) initiative. But I’m a pony of my word (and I’m an awkward one at that), so I hereby encourage others to tag me if they complete the challenge themselves. I swear right here that I’ll respond to a tag and do the challenge.
These archways are going to be the death of me. I’ve redrawn them maybe five times now.
no way, if someone’s been hurting you and you eventually lash out at them, they had it coming. you don’t need to apologize, and they probably won’t apologize. and you’ll both just kind of seethe in your shared anger for a while.
That’s how I’ve been feeling it should be, minus the seething part. The seething is was led up to this point, I’d be my own worst enemy to let it start over again.I just wonder because people make the ‘apologise for the moral high ground’ argument often. But I feel that would just permit the behaviour to happen again. If I never apologise, it means I wouldn’t regret mouthing off again if there ever is a next time.
If someone pisses you off so much that you eventually mouth off at them and say hurtful things, should you be expected to apologise first? Should you even apologise?
I appreciate the support some people have shown. I don’t like to vent online about personal matters but you lot let me know that you at least understand how I feel. It feels a lot less isolating and insurmountable knowing that people can relate to how I’m feeling. Again, I don’t like talking about my issues online because nobody follows me for that, but thanks for understanding and tolerating it.
Right now I’m pretty much pulling an all nighter until I cannot stay awake. I’m in that zone of being too tired to be stressed but awake enough to draw from the better parts of my imagination. It’s not quite like the pleasantly chaotic hum I usually experience every day, but it’s better than what I’ve had for the past few weeks.
Anything more I post is pretty much getting the ‘delete later’ tag from here on out. I’m probably gonna keep the half-story post though. It’s… it’s a good thing coming out of a bad place.